The Mama Journal | Little Artist

There are those parenting moments that I knew happened in theory, but never really expected. The ones that catch me off guard, make me doubt myself as a mother, make me count to ten slowly in my head and sigh deeply. Those moments where things don't go as planned. Where my little one's needs seem to ruin everything, where my own frustrations swell up and make me want to join in on my toddler's tantrum. Those sleep-deprived, emotionally intense moments when I can't help but think this isn't what I signed up for. Life doesn't always look like the cover of a Sears catalogue- family laughing, sun shining, picnic basket overflowing, butterflies fluttering - you know the one. But that's just life. And we go with the flow. I have those days, and I think we all do. My daughter can throw it down with the best of them. But here's the cold, hard truth (or, more accurately, the warm and fuzzy truth): Motherhood rocks. It really, truly does. There are too many "memes" and jokes and stories out there about how hard, exasperating and annoying motherhood is. And I get it, sometimes we feel like we are losing our mind, and we need to talk about these moments.

Please don't misunderstand me, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Not all. But much of it is. And somehow we mamas so often forget to share the sunshine and rainbows of motherhood. Like early morning snuggles, when my girl gives me a hug and says "hi, maman" and kisses my cheek. Or family dance parties in the kitchen on a Saturday morning, or a Wednesday evening for that matter. Snuggling with books at my girl's request. Or watching her sneak brown sugar crumbs while "helping" me bake. Truthfully, for all those moments that make me sigh and wonder if I'm really cut out for this, there are so many more moments that make me catch my breath and smile, because it's exactly like I thought it would be - wonderful. Fulfilling. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Fun, crazy, unpredictable.

I always wanted to be a mom. And I spent a lot of time daydreaming about how amazing it would be.  And yes, there are those moments when I feel like I live in a circus (hint: I am sadly not the ring leader in these moments). But more times than not, it's exactly the way I pictured it - but better. More times than not, I can't help but think this is the best moment. Each day holds many of these moments. Here is one from today.

I have always been passionate about art, and it makes my heart so happy to watch this love of creating blossom in my girl as well. Today was the first time I pulled out my easel, paint and canvas for her. She loved it. And watching my little girl reach up on her tippy toes to spread paint on her very first canvas felt just as unbelievably wonderful as I always thought it would.

The Mama Journal | Favourite Things

It's such an unbelievably wonderful experience to watch my little girl develop her own little personality. While I was pregnant, my mother told me that a child is like a gift that you unwrap a little bit more every day. Boy, was she right. My daughter is no longer my little "sub-human", she is her own person. Neve Adele, spirited, active, playful, affectionate, brilliant girl. Everyday she blows me away with how much she understands, what words she decides to add to her ever-growing vocabulary, how sweet and affectionate she is with us, with the dog, with her babies. She has a sense of humour that is so much fun, and she loves to make us laugh. It would be impossible to document all of her favourite things in just one post. The girl loves a lot of things. Going outside, music in all its forms (atta girl!), pushing her babies in her stroller and all things PUPPIES are some popular themes notably absent from the photos below. But the following photos do represent some of her favourite things at the moment - books (oh, how she loves to read. And oh, how it makes my heart sing!), Caillou (in French) on the iPhone, my jewelry, and anything related to animals. I took these in the span of about an hour one day last week, and I just love their authentic, sweet simplicity. I love how the morning light spilled out of her bedroom window and illuminated that silky soft baby hair that is growing and thickening a little more each day. I love the quiet focus as she tries on my bracelets, examines a book and handles the ol' iPhone like a pro. These photos make my heart immensely happy, and naturally, I wanted to share them with you. A morning in the life of Neve, at 18.5 months old.

The Mama Journal | No Words

I don't have a story or a brilliant thought process to accompany this cheery set of photos. I just want to remember and document those eyes, that smile, those rosy cheeks, and how cute she looked in a bright pink snowsuit that, now only two weeks later, doesn't fit her anymore.

The Mama Journal | The Flour Fiasco

Have you ever found yourself at that crossroad between I'm going to burst into tears and have a panic attack and this is hilarious, my child is awesome, let me get my camera ? I feel like some of the best lifestyle photography truly happens when you simply let go, release control of a situation, and document. Because I've truly found it difficult to be both the mom and the photographer at the same time. Obviously I am not referring to a situation where a child is in danger or is doing something that puts their safety at risk. I'm talking about nitpicking, face wiping, and all those other "suggestions" we moms tend to give constantly. When I am constantly directing and correcting from behind the lens, not only am I missing out on those amazing moments unfolding before me, but I'm also tarnishing them. It's tempting to tell our children where to stand, how to play with their toy (because if they just held it up to the light like so it would make a killer "lifestyle" shot!) and even where to look. The beauty of true lifestyle photography is in its authenticity, its honesty, and its messiness. If you need to clean up your living room before you photograph your daughter quietly reading on the couch, not only do you risk missing out on the moment, but it becomes staged, artificial, and the beauty that is found in those real life shots suddenly disappears. Ok - moving on.

I was caught at this crossroad early this week. My inner mom and inner photographer were battling it out, and I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. because often the best photo ops are messy, unplanned, and a little... stressful. After a morning of happily baking and playing with my girl, I was content with our day. It was fun, relaxed and just the right amount of messy to make things fun without ruffling my mama feathers too much. I posted the fourth photo in the collage below on Facebook, declaring that the dishes were piling, we were happily baking, and that "mama and bebe are both covered in flour" - ha, the irony of that last statement is pretty hilarious. My kitchen was a mess, but it was a purposeful mess, and I excitedly snapped a few frames here and there to remember this sweet morning with my girl.

And then I.turned.around. For maybe... 45 seconds. And the giant bag of flour we get from our local flour mill, that was sitting on the hardwood kitchen floor, became irresistible to my 18-month-old explorer. I could hear her laughing and squealing "Wooo!! Woof Woof! Wooowwww! Woof Woof! Wow!" - not uncommon. She's very expressive, happy and obsessed with dogs. I assumed she was playing with our lab. Assumed being the key word here, folks.

When I turned around to face her again, I saw that she was using her little dog figurine to dig into the flour bag, and was throwing piles of flour in the air, on the flour, on her head. She was sitting in it, rolling in it, crawling in it, and having the time of her life. This was probably a serious contender for happiest moment since birth.

And I just whispered "ohmigosh" and watched her for a second, trying to decide if I was going to go down the clean freak mama road and have a full blown panic attack (Because what if this set a precedent and she thought it was ok to play in flour? Or what if I wouldn't be able to get it out of the cracks in the hardwood? And what about people starving all over the world, and here is my daughter playing in flour like it's nothing... and oh my gosh I have to clean this up) or if I was going to embrace this moment, this incredibly messy, unscripted, inconvenient, wrong moment and document it, because it was too late to stop it, and heck, this was truly one for the wedding slide show. I took a deep breath, grabbed my camera, and started documenting my girl's delight for about a minute. By the end of that minute, I was covered in flour. She was covered in flour. The kitchen was covered in flour. And her woof woof was definitely covered in flour.

I sat in the flour with her and laughed with her. Because truly, it was funny. I somehow managed to do a preliminary cleanup and get us both in the tub. Several sweeps and a wash later, the floor still has flour on it. But I'm so glad I let this moment unfold, even if only for a couple of minutes, because it's a story that I will tell again and again, and a memory I will cherish forever.

xo

The Mama Journal | If I wasn't a mama...

If I wasn't a mama, I'd probably have the extra time and money to go leisurely roam through the nail polish aisles of a cosmetics store and pick up a few of those Essie colours I've been wanting forever. If I wasn't a mama, I'd actually wear my accessories without them getting pulled off/hidden around the house/broken/chewed on. I'd probably be able to finish my coffee without reheating it 14 times, and I'd be able to get through a shower without playing a game of shower curtain peek-a-boo / have bath toys thrown at me. If I wasn't a mama, I'd probably still be using my favourite Roots purse, instead of shoving the essentials in my wallet and throwing that in the diaper bag. If I wasn't a mama, I could probably get through a phone call with a client without it sounding like I live in a zoo, and I wouldn't have gone 18 months (and counting) without sleeping through the night. If I wasn't a mama, everything would be cleaner and more organized. Me, my home, my car, everything. But -

If I wasn't a mama,

I wouldn't have quiet moments scattered throughout busy days where I can peek around the corner and spy on a sweet, spirited girl with soft, squishy cheeks and peach fuzz hair while she slowly and methodically peels and eats a banana while sitting on the bottom step - like her papa taught her.

Moments like these - so ordinary, so small - they make me catch my breath and think Is she really mine? This perfect little human, I get to keep her? And does she really love me just as much as my heart achingly loves her? And I forget all about Essie nail polish and Roots purses and sleep. Because if I wasn't a mama... I would never know just how much my heart could love.

The Mama Journal | Seizing the Moment (alternate title: Cookies and Cuteness)

I have been trying to make a conscious effort to pick up my camera at home.

My iPhone makes it way to easy to capture all those daily moments of cuteness and hilarity that make my heart skip a beat, and with every Instagram upload I feel like I've documented the memory. And while yes, I have, it's sort of a false sense of fulfillment... because once those snapshots get lost in my Instagram feed and texted to the grandparents, it's gone. Never edited, never printed, never treasured. It's not just capturing the moment I want to do, I want to capture the moment in a way that allows me to treasure it. For me, that means picking up the ol' camera at home and documenting the sweet nothings of our day. Easier said than done. I have a busy toddler who is fascinated with lenses and lens caps and yanking the camera off the table by the strap (can you say "heart palpitations"?). I like to keep my camera safe and out of sight, which means I have to be more intentional about using it at home.

Yesterday, like most days, involved baking. I picked a delicious looking cookie recipe out of my Christmas Cookie magazine and whipped up some - if I may say so myself - pretty fantastic little treats to gift to some of our neighbourhood friends. It's a yearly tradition that I love, and it allows me to spread a little holiday lovin' to those near and dear. The leftover cookies were, of course, up for grabs. Neve took one for the team and had a few. As I stood there in my kitchen, leaning against the cold granite countertop and watching my wide-eyed girl lick the icing off her cookie, I thought "I want to remember this moment forever". 

We bake a lot, and homemade treats aren't exactly hard to come by around here... but there was just something about this moment... the way her cheeks were still a bit flushed from her nap, the soft light peeking through the window, the Christmas music in the background, the sheer delight and focus in my girl's face as she systematically licked off all the icing, ate the candy cane bits and nibbled on the cookie without saying a word. It was a quiet, perfect moment. One that I never wanted to forget. I grabbed my iPhone and then put it down, running instead to the office where my camera was safely tucked away. I'm so glad I took the time to capture this simple, sweet moment that warmed my heart so very much. These photos are so precious to me!

-xo

The Mama Journal | Christmas Tree

I've always journaled in some way, be it with a pen and a diary as a pre-teen, in a never-ending word document that was saved on the old desktop computer that sat in my room as a teenager, through countless photo scrapbooks growing up or, more recently, through blogging. It's always been important for me to relive those moments in my life that take my breath away and reflect on life's beautiful simplicities. Writing and reflecting on life's moments has always been a key component in my quest to be intentionally grateful, and to try and see the good in everything. Writing helps me process, reflect and appreciate. Keeping a blog has motivated me to keep up with photographing my own family and has acted as a way to document the precious moments and milestones of our little life. So when I took an indefinite hiatus from writing my personal blog a few months ago, it felt like something was missing. I would literally lie in bed and "write" in my head about my thoughts. It's different from plain old thinking in a way I can't explain. Everything in me was eager to sit, reflect and write. I longed for a place to share the lifestyle images taken of our simple everyday.   I've decided that keeping two blogs is more work and trouble than I can handle right now. I've come to really love my little space here, and the Raw Footage Photography blog has become more than a place to simply share recent sessions (although there is still much of that happening). The Behind the Lens series has given me an outlet to reflect on my journey as a photographer and has received such a positive response, which I am so grateful for. I've decided to add The Maman Journal to the lineup. A place where I can share some photos of my perfectly imperfect little life at home as well as thoughts on my journey through motherhood, which is essentially what my personal blog had become after the birth of my daughter. I worried that maybe my readers here, clients as well as fellow photographers, might not be interested in a glimpse of personal life. This is, after all, a space previously reserved for my photography business. But the reality is that my passion for photography spills over into every area of my life, and the images I take for me are a big part of my journey as a photographer. And as more and more clients began asking me about me during our sessions, even asking "So, how's Neve?",  commenting on her Halloween costume and on her big blue eyes, I realized that many of them appreciate the opportunity to connect with me on a bit more of a personal level, just as I enjoy connecting with them.  I'm all about building relationships, both on a professional and personal level, so I think incorporating a more personal touch to this blog is really a true representation of who I am and what's important to me.  So here we go. The start of The Mama Journal. I hope you'll join me on this journey! xo

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Last Christmas, my girl was 5 months old. Wide eyed and cute as a button in her Christmas jammies, but a little bit oblivious to everything going on. This year, at 17 months, she is truly living out her first real Christmas, and I'm just a little ridiculously excited about introducing her to the many joys of the season. Our days have been filled with holiday renditions from Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Amy Grant and more modern favourites like Michael Buble and She and Him. Neve loves "Caroling Caroling" by Nat King Cole the best, because she can sing "ding dong ding dong" while swaying her head back and forth from left to right (cute, right?). We've been obsessively baking cookies - trying new recipes at home and whipping up old favourites with Grandmaman and Grandpapa - and I've discovered that Neve has acquired a taste for drops of spilled molasses and fallen brown sugar crumbs.

We recently put up our real Christmas tree and it was so special to watch her reaction. Lots of pointing and exclamations of "wooooowwwww!", followed by her usual monkey-business - getting tangled up in ribbon, systematically removing every ornament I would hang and trying to feed the pinecones to the dog. Decorating the Christmas tree has never taken me so long, but it's never been quite so magical, either. It's hard to put into words the joy it brought me to see the excitement in her face as the lights went on and watching her hold up shiny ornaments in wonder. My husband and I are getting to experience all the wonders of Christmas through they eyes of our beautiful little girl, and it truly is a gift. Here are some shots I snapped of my girl as she decorated the tree for the very first time.

xo