Last year, I started a self-portrait project in January, with the goal of taking and sharing one self-portrait each month. Being in front of the camera is not my favourite, and this seemed like a huge undertaking. Especially from January to August when I had at least one of my girls at home in addition to running this very much full-time business. When was I supposed to even find the time to take self-portraits - something that seemed so frivolous and maybe even a little self-absorbed? I questioned it a lot, ultimately realizing that my fears were more a reflection of my own insecurities and innate instinct to take up as little space as possible. So I pushed through those thoughts and announced my project to my humble social media following. I hoped that putting it out there would keep me somewhat accountable, and it absolutely did. Because let’s be honest, there was NO WAY I would have stuck with the project otherwise.
From a technical standpoint, the first few months were tricky because I was still using a remote trigger with no way of seeing what the camera saw. This led to the frustrating experience of guessing on placement and focus, and constantly having to reposition and try again. Once I discovered the Canon phone app that essentially allows you to see through the viewfinder and press the shutter from your phone, taking these became a breeze (except for June when I didn’t have my tripod with me and had to rig my camera to a ladder perched against my greenhouse. Do not recommend.)
From a storytelling standpoint, I knew I wanted to show different parts of myself. Motherhood (May), My love of music (March), My tattoos (April), My love of gardening (June - note to self and anyone else, if you take photos inside a greenhouse during a heat wave, you will be SWEATY. Not the best look, haha.), My love of the woods (October). There were a few months where I remembered at the last minute and basically phoned it in with a quick 10 minute attempt at a snapshot (February, where I was frustrated after a day of failed attempts (this was before I had the Canon app) and gave one last ditch effort before running out to get my kids at the bus stop by basically just sitting on the floor by my patio door, hair a mess. July, where I ran outside and sat in my driveway at dusk on the last day of the month, praying the neighbours weren’t watching. August, where I forgot until a few days into September and just took a silly portrait in my living room before rushing out to my husband’s birthday lunch.) With some of the self-portraits, I tried something new with lighting or angles (September was fun - and nerve-wracking. I’ve never doubted my tripod more than when it held my camera pointing down directly above my face).
I definitely grew in confidence as the project continued. At the beginning, I was almost ashamed of my endeavour. It felt vain and embarrassing. And it brought out all of my insecurities. By October, I was brave enough to venture out into public and even had a few people walk past me as I posed for my woodsy self-portrait. It was mortifying - and then it was ok. I realized that no one cares, and that I should stop second guessing myself.
With my final two self-portraits - November and December - I felt the most comfortable and confident. Rather than try to capture a hobby or a part of my life, or try to play with angles or interesting backgrounds, I put my face front and centre, no distractions, and tried instead to capture a feeling. In November, the word that came to me was '“Unapologetic". I am a yes-person and say sorry constantly. It’s all out of a fear of rejection, and realizing that has helped my to unapologetically set healthy boundaries. I felt really empowered with this self-portrait, and “Unapologetic” has become my word for 2020. In December, I felt a quiet contentment as the year came to an end. When I shared this one, I wrote about how it would be a “New Year, Same Me”. Same imperfect human, trying her best, proud of herself for asking big questions and making big changes, and open to change and adventure in the new year, while valuing kindness always.
I think December might be my favourite self-portrait of the year, though they all hold a special place in my heart. These were a pain every single month, but I’m glad I went through with the project, and I’ve learned a lot on many levels because of it.
February is already upon us, and I have obviously not started the project up again. I don’t think I’ll be continuing on a monthly basis, but I would definitely like to continue with occasional self-portraits in 2020 - maybe seasonal. There are ideas I wanted to try in 2019 that just didn’t happen - like playing with the dapples of warm morning light that bounce on my bedroom wall, or playing with a mirror, or experimenting with the last slivers of light in a dark room, or incorporating a mug somehow (I am truly shocked I didn’t to a self-portrait with a mug of coffee in 2019.) If and when I do, I’ll be sure to share them.
For now, here are my 2019 self-portraits. Thank you to everyone who left comments of support over the months and encouraged me to keep at it. :)
